Shooter's Dog Humor Page


	Here's a collection of dog humor and quotes about dogs found throughout the Web. Nothing's original here -- I just found it and gave it a home for you. For my original over-the-top humor, try my Art Gallery, Shooter's Hemingway Madlib, Letters, Math, Ask Shooter, Driving, Horoscopes, and In the News pages.

[Dog Jokes] [Top Ten Lists] [Long Dog Jokes] [Quotes about Dogs] [Tasteless Dog Jokes]
Dog Jokes:

What has four legs and one arm?

A happy Pitbull.

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.

"It's slow here, too", said Satan

"Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun."

"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."

"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."

Dictionary for Dogs

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "Sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

How Dogs and Men are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs are Better than Men:

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Shooter Sez a Custom Engraved Brass Compass makes a Great Gift

Where Dogs Fall Down:

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men don't eat turds on the sly.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330??
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

How To Photograph A New Puppy:

1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, outside! No, outside!!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and stay" the first thing in the morning

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Lists:

Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with David Letterman:

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog:

10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
9. Buries tail, wags bones
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

Top Ten Excuses For Losing The Dog Show:

10. Mistaken in assumption there would be chance to show off talent for drinking from toilet
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate
5. My lifelong battle with problem drool
4. During spelling portion, spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg
2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let him stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed

Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs:

10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat
9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
8. New sniffing competition
7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head
6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges
5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick
4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers
2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet
1. Points taken off for mange

Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog:

10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)
1. One word: sausage-gate

The Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:
1. A dog does not shop.

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:

10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
6. You can house train a dog.
5. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

Top 10 Ways Dogs Are Better Than Cats:

10. Dogs are bigger (well... Some dogs are).
9. Dogs don't need a litter box, as long as your neighbor has a yard.
8. Dogs don't have kittens in your closet on your new shoes.
7. Cats can't wag their tails. (And won't even try...)
6. Dogs respond when you call them by name. (Almost any name)
5. Dogs are too stupid to hide when they make a mess.
4. Dogs have cooler home pages on the Internet.
3. Dogs will stay up and watch Letterman with you, even if there are no stupid pet tricks.
2. Dogs are easy to buy Christmas presents for, get them anything that smells...
1. Cats have an attitude, dogs just have that "Where's dinner?" look.

Top Ten Dog Thoughts:

10. I could've sworn I heard the can opener.
9. Why doesn't the government do something about mange?
8. Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Crosby?
7. I wonder if Toto was gay?
6. Mmmm.....that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!
5. Hey--no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
4. I still miss Lorne Greene.
3. Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?
2. Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener.
1. If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?

Top Ten Things to do with a Dead Cat:

10. Kill it 8 more times, just to be sure.
9. Excellent for buffing the truck.
8. Jab a stick in it's mouth and use it for a dustmop.
7. Spray it with glue, hang it from the ceiling...instant flystrip!
6. Paint a stripe on each end, sew up the middle, and PLAY BALL!.
5. Chitlins!
4. Field test the blender...
3. Start a newsgroup, "Dead Cats, I'm for 'em!"
2. Makes a dandy fur coat for the Chihuahua.
1. Get 10 more and go beat the Dallas Cowboys!

The Top Favorite Things for a Dog to Smell:

10. Wet socks found behind the hamper.
9. The lawn mowing shoes.
8. Chocolate chip hot dogs (well, maybe some day..)
7. Rear ends - other dogs, people, mine, I don't care.
6. Whatever's in the trash bin.
5. Cereal grains and meaty byproducts.
4. Those round flat pie things in the cow pasture.
3. That stuff I find in between my toes.
2. Anything you find in the middle of the highway.
1. Burning cat fur...we're for it!

Top 10 Dog Country & Western Songs:

10. "Don't Chase That Pickup, Rover Boy", by Tex Critter.
9. "Howlin' Over You", by Bonnie Bloodhound.
8. "Four On The Floor", by The Toolbox Terriers.
7. "That Ain't My Collar", by Woof Brooks.
6. "Out Behind The Pool Hall", by Johnny Dumpster.
5. "Bad, Bad Leroy Hound", by Willie Welshound.
4. "Don't Kick The Supper Dish", by Flea G. Shepherd.
3. "Boot Chewin' Boogie", by Hank The Cowdog.
2. "Dog Chow Blues", by The Chuck Wagon Chasers.
1. "Fleas Release Me", by Bark Collie.

Top 10 All-Time Dog Movies:

10. "Abbott and Costello Meet Cujo". Who's on Lou?
9. "The Howling". Story of a Rotweiller and a mousetrap.
8. "All Dogs Go To Heaven". Documentary.
7. "The Maltese Milk Bone". Action adventure, starring Humphrey Gobark.
6. "The Postman Always Rings Twice". Tutorial for territorial terriers.
5. "Terminator III - Garbage Day". Cyborg meets up with crazed Cocker Spaniel. Asta la Vista, Arnold.
4. "Back To The Future IV - Einstein's Revenge", starring Michael J. Foxhound. Einstein steals the DeLorean.
3. "The Bad News Beagles". Snoopy gets rid of that loser, Charlie Brown, leads a team of beagles to the Little League World Series.
2. "Dial M for Mustard". Murderous dachsund leaves a trail of condiments.
1. "Reservoir Dogs." Don't drink the water...

Top 10 Star Wars Scenes Toby would like to See:

10. Planet Catderran blown up by fully operational Dogstar space station.
9. Luke uses the force to open a can of Alpo.
8. Chewbacca reveals he is really a very large St. Bernard.
7. Instead of shooting lightning from his fingers, Emporer slobbers all over people.
6. Change catchy slogan from "May The Force Be With You" to "Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!"
5. Luke blows up the Deathstar by dropping a cat down the air duct.
4. C-3PO translates dog speech, dogs ask the Princess, "What's up with the hairdo?"
3. Yoda - "No, there is another - Luke's dog, Toby. The force is strong with that one."
2. Replace lightsaber battle with Frisbee throwing contest.
1. Princess Leia saying "Help me, Toby-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

The Top Things for Dogs to do when Home Alone:

10. Get out the nachos and cheese, crank up the macarena on the stereo!
9. Play "hide in the dryer" with the cat. Comes out nice & fluffy.
8. Log on the the Internet, answer e-mail from adoring fans.
7. Check the couch cushions for last nights leftovers...
6. Check out the bisexual cross-dressers and the women who love them...up next on Geraldo!
5. Work on those memoirs...Chapter 2, "The day I found out I was a dog."
4. Call up the neighbors, pant heavily into the phone...
3. Practice looking excited when the people get home.
2. Return Bill's phone call...help him out with the Whitewater thing...
1. Make faces at the neighbors rotweiller...moron!

Top 10 Things Toby Wants For Christmas:

10. One of those little chuck wagons from the dog food commercial.
9. A talking "Spacedog" doll.
8. One-year membership in the "Dirty Sock of the Month Club".
7. One of those electric stun guns like the cops have. (Never mind why...).
6. Black leather spiked dog collar for that special Saturday night.
5. Bob Barker's address. (See #7 above...).
4. A signed copy of Lassie's biography, "Timmy's in the Well Again".
3. A rubber chicken to tease the cat with.
2. 34 ounce, 38 inch Louisville Slugger. (Never mind what for...)
1. Just once, no stupid doggy t-shirt that says "Fire Hydrant Inspector".

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions:

10. Not to "mark" the artificial Christmas tree next year, people don't like that...
9. Get that idea for TV show "Dogs Behaving Badly" off to Hollywood...
8. Think up a good "stupid people trick", get on the Letterman Show.
7. Get Toby's Cat Catcher Dead or Alive Cat Trap written off as a "business expense".
6. Stop coughing up fur balls on the couch.
5. Get more (read "some") exercise...
4. Learn to drive a stick shift.
3. Find a professional football team with some (any) moral standards to root for...
2. Put "Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!" bumper sticker on the Clinton limo...
1. Try to remember where we buried that "live cat time capsule" on New Year's Eve.

Top 10 Alltime Doggie Bestsellers:

10. "Fire Hydrants of New York", by Rusty the Firehouse Dalmation.
9. "Oh No, Timmy's In The Well Again!", by Lassie with Rudd Weatherwax.
8. "101 Ways To Skin A Cat", by Duke "Crocodile" Dingo Dog.
7. "Why People Throw Sticks, And What To Do About It", by FetchBoy the Golden Retriever.
6. "Stop Chasing Cats and Start Catching Them", by Dr. Rover Tilted.
5. "How I Licked The Toilet Bowl Habit", by Sammy Snauzer.
4. "No Bad Dogs", by Professor Hugo Sitt.
3. "Teach Your Human To Heel", by Rowf Rotweiller.
2. "Spit For Life", by Pete the Wonderdog.
1. "Good Kitty, Dead Kitty", by Spot "Psycho" Poodle.

Top 10 Signs that Toby won the Lottery:

10. Giant gold fire hydrant in the front yard.
9. Sends another dog out to bark at the mailman.
8. Oscar Mayer truck parked at the kitchen door on Wednesdays.
7. Madonna's hair is a mess because her hairdresser is busy with Toby.
6. Starts his own party and runs for President.
5. Congressman from Texas suddenly pushing anti-cat bill.
4. Offers Woody Harrelson a million dollars to let Demi Moore scratch his tummy.
3. "Bigfoot" truck in the driveway with "Hey Cat - Make My Day!" bumper sticker.
2. Shortage of beef jerky at all the local grocery stores.
1. Democrats keep asking him to come to the White House for Kibbles.

Top 10 Signs your Dog has Joined a Computer Cult:

10. Spends a lot of time at the airport with the other cult dogs, passing out free AOL diskettes.
9. Your new "Reverend Moon" screen saver.
8. Every day at 3:00, stops whatever he's doing, bows toward Cupertino.
7. Gettin lots and lots of e-mail from somebody named "bob@cult.com.
6. When told to "go get your master", runs to the PC and dials up the internet.
5. You find your Motown CD in the trash, and a new "Gregorian Chants" CD in your CD-Rom.
4. Trades in his Calvin's and Nike's for a black robe and sandals.
3. You come home from work to find him making a spaceship out of your gas grill.
2. Comes home with his head shaved.
1. When asked why he went on the floor, he replies, "It is the will of Moondoggie."

Top 10 Doggie Bumper Stickers:

10. Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!
9. If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!
8. Caution- I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!
7. My Snauzer Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.
6. Vet is a 4-Letter Word!
5. My Other Car Is The Bed Of A Pickup!
4. I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!
3. Hey Cat! New Law - Red Light Means Go Now, OKAY?
2. Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!
1. Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!

Top 10 Signs You're not Winning at Westminster:

10. Security guards keep chasing you out of the building.
9. Breaking out of line to steal the kid's candy bar may have counted against you...
8. The Chihuahua thinks he can beat you up (and does).
7. Your owner keeps asking about getting back your entry fee.
6. Kids keep asking "What kind of dog is THAT?"
5. The judge asks your owner to walk you to the end of the ring...and to keep going.
4. Somebody asks if they can take your picture...for a Humane Society poster.
3. When asked about your papers, your owner replies,"Papers? - We don't need no stinking papers!"
2. The BBC announcer keeps breaking out in uncontrollable laughter whenever he sees you.
1. You had to go really bad, and the judge's leg was the closest...

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Tobydog. Inc. Office Party:

10. Wow, check out the hot poodle with Rover!
9. So, I says to him, throw in toilet bowl privileges, and you got yourself a deal.
8. Look, I gotta go chase a cab...
7. Hey you - cat! You work here?
6. Not the Macarena again! Somebody cut off the boss' bar tab...
5. Did you see the neat copies of Bowser's rear end?
4. Gainsburgers? Who catered this disaster?
3. Hey, good-lookin', wanna swing by the ol' doghouse later?
2. Who ordered the hot dog pizza with everything?
1. Dead Cats - We're Still For 'Em!

Top 10 Doggie Newsgroups:

10. alt.firehydrants.pictures
9. fido.humans.training_to_fetch
8. rec.sports.sticks.stones
7. alt.pictures.mastersleg
6. fido.god.is.dog.spelled.backwards
5. rec.sports.frisbee.catching.
4. fido.favorite.nap.spots
3. alt.Socks.die!.die!.die!.
2. rec.games.involving.dead.cats
1. alt.where.oh.where.can.he.be?

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers:

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1 Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

The Five crucial Food Groups According to Dogs:

1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.)
5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion.

Specialized Cross Breed Dogs:

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Dog Rules:

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Life Lessons Learned from a Dog:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Best Engraving in the Tropics
Long Dog Joke:

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.

The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.

Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow.

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hired someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.

When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you on rehu are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Quotes about Dogs:

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

-Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

-Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

-Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

-Steven Wright

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

-Ogden Nash

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-Mark Twain

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

-Robert Benchley

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

-Snoopy

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

-Ann Landers

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

-Jeff Valdez

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

-Groucho Marx

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

-James Thurber

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

-Dave Barry

Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.

-Alexander Pope

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

-Martha Scott

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

-Steve Bluestone

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

-Andrew A. Rooney

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

-Andrew A. Rooney

If you don't own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life.

-Roger Caras

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater . . . suggest that he wear a tail.

-Fran Lebowitz

Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog.

-Inscription on the monument raised for Lord Byron's dog, Boatswain

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.

-Edward Hoagland

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

-Samuel Butler

Our dogs, like our shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well.

-Bonnie Wilcox

A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.

-Anonymous

A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.

-Anonymous

Never judge a dog's pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew.

-Anonymous

You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours.

-Anonymous

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

-Jack Handey

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

-Rita Rudner

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.

-Adrienne Gusoff

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

-Jack Handey

Tasteless Dog Humor:

This blind guy is standing on a street corner with his seeing eye dog. The dog lifts his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's foot. The blind guy reaches down and pats the dog on the head. A man standing next to the blind guy watching all of this says "tell me something buddy, how come you patted that dog on the head after he pissed all over your foot"? Blind guy says "I gotta find his head so I can kick his ass".

A guy is at a nightclub. His bowels start to grumble and can feel a huge fart coming on. He heads for the toilets, but there is a line of people already waiting. He is getting desperate and would be very embarrased if other people heard him passing wind. Then he notices a lady with her poodle, and thinks "if I sit near the dog and fart, people will think the dog did it".
He races over near the dog, and lets out a beauty.
The lady says "Fido!!".
The guy thinks "Yes...this is working!", and lets out another fart.
The lady repeats "FIDO!!!!".
The guy thinks "What an idea, no one will know it was me," and lets out another fart.
The lady screams "FIDO!!!!!! Come here before he shits on you!"

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Shooter's Dog Humor * Revised 5/18/2007